By Janet Stilson

A Monk, The Cosmos and Lucy Lawless

No, that’s not a setup line for Carnac the Magnificent. It’s just a shorthand description of the bounty of new shows that will make their way to cable networks this fall. Kim Bassinger will make her TV movie debut as a woman who falls in love with a Benedictine monk in Lifetime’s original movie based on the best selling book The Mermaid Chair. ESPN2 traces the mighty rise and shocking fall of the New York Cosmos soccer team in a September 20 special. And as for Lucy Lawless, the good news for Xena fans is that come October, the former warrior princess will return for some more guest spots in the new season of Sci Fi’s Battlestar Galactica. And that’s just for starters. Here’s a look at just a sampling of the new programming in store from Charter Communications this fall.

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If You Were a Monk, What Would You Do?

Kim Bassinger confronts quite the dilemma in her first TV movie ever — The Mermaid Chair, airing on Lifetime. The picture is based on a New York Times best seller of the same name, written by Sue Monk Kidd. Steamy, gorgeous Bassinger (L.A. Confidential) plays a 42-year-old who’s getting restless after a long marriage and the departure of her daughter for college. She goes back to her childhood home after her mother commits an act of violence — only to fall in love with a Benedictine monk. Press materials won’t give away what happens, but they do use the word “erotic.” Premieres in September.

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And Now for Something “Jurassic Park-ish”

According to Animal Planet, 99% of all creatures that have ever lived are now extinct. Not only should that make you feel really special, but it also begs the question: What would it be like if some of the extinct species happened to resurface? That’s the premise of Animal Planet’s new series Prehistoric Park.

Using computer-generated animation, zoologist Nigel Marvin travels into the past to rescue the last survivors of a lost species and give them a shot at life in 2006. Could they really make it in this day and age? Find out when the series premieres Oct. 29.

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Soccer Saga

Son of Sam, blackouts and riots. For New Yorkers, those were a few of the least favorite things about the year 1977. But it was also the year that the ragtag New York Cosmos soccer team came into being and gave the city some entertaining relief from its troubles. The team’s rise to glory involved soccer superstar Pelé, fashionistas, movie mogul Steve Ross and even former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger — and then the team imploded. If you didn’t see Once in a Lifetime: The Extraordinary Story of the New York Cosmos when it hit theaters over the summer (or even if you did), check it out on ESPN2 September 20.

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Block Party

It’s the year 2251. Luckily, we’re all dead, because the Earth has broken into millions of blocks that now float in orbit. That’s the world imagined in a new Nicktoons series called Skyland, which features a brother and sister, named Mahad and Lena, who become members of a gang of pirate rebels. They’re really not the type. But what are you going to do when your mother is kidnapped? The half-hour series follows their adventures as they try to save mom, fight an evil dictatorship and unravel a mystery surrounding their father. Premieres in November.

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It’s a Comic Cornucopia

Jack Black, Adam Sandler, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert all in one special? And not just them — there’s also Sacha Baron Cohen (Da Ali G Show) and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (Late Night with Conan O’Brien). Those are just some of the comedians gearing up for a Comedy Central special called Comedy Love Call. The live event is being put together by Stewart’s Busboy Productions. And it has a very serious agenda: raising funds to help ease the severe shortage of schools and educational programs for autistic kids and adults. Check it out Oct. 15 on Comedy Central.

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Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film

Rule No. 1:
Never Leave the Group

Rule No. 2:
Never Investigate Strange Noises

Rule No. 3:
Never Open the Door If the Handle Is Turning

There’s a special ode to gore in the run-up to Halloween on Starz — Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film. The documentary is up to its freaky eyeballs in clips from famous horror flicks, and is based on a book of the same title by Adam Rockoff, which lauded such seminal films as Halloween, Friday The 13th, Last House on the Left and Psycho. Many of the people behind famous slasher films are also on hand to reminisce about all the blood and guts. Pieces rears its head on a Friday — Oct. 13.

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And There’s No Airport Food!

Adventure seekers, you don’t have to go bankrupt on airfare to far-away places or sleep with your knees in your face all the way to Beijing. Instead, try the next best thing to being there with Discovery Atlas, a new series for Discovery Channel and Discovery HD Theater. One of the most ambitious series shot in high definition, Discovery Atlas features plenty of eye candy, story telling and cutting-edge special effects designed to wow the travel-minded. The series premieres Oct. 1 with a look around China, followed by other episodes devoted to Australia, Brazil and Italy.

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The Heart of the Thanksgiving Matter

A secret band of Christians, an arduous journey of discovery and vicious attacks — no, we’re not talking about The DaVinci Code, but the real-life experiences of those brave souls who sailed on The Mayflower back in the year 1620. The tale is recounted in The Mayflower, a three-hour special that’s one of the most ambitious shows to be found on The History Channel this fall. It includes dialog taken from the writings of eyewitnesses voiced by actors from the Royal Shakespeare Company. Some scenes were reconstructed with cooperation from the Wampanoag tribe in Massachusetts. Debuts in November.

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Angel in Need of Salvation

Chances are, you or someone you know loves a teenager politely described as “troubled.” That’s the subject of an HBO original movie called Angel Rodriguez. It features Rachel Griffiths, of HBO Six Feet Under fame, as a counselor, and newcomer Jonan Everett as Angel, a somewhat nerdy kid with a penchant for lying, stealing and fighting with his dad. When Angel’s father throws him out, a pregnant Griffiths takes him in, trying to reverse his self-destructive course and get him on a straighter road to adulthood. Not exactly fluffy escapism, but it could be compelling. Premieres in October.

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Lawless Goes Galactica

Lucy Lawless fan alert: Battlestar Galactica is going into its third season on Sci Fi with 20 new episodes, and half of them will include a plotline featuring Lucy Lawless, perhaps best known as Xena: Warrior Princess. Lawless showed up in a couple of episodes in Battlestar’s second season, playing a Cylon named D’Anna Biers. Apparently, she went over quite well, given the bump-up in exposure this season. The entire ensemble cast is back as well — including Edward James Olmos, Mary McDonnell, Katee Sackhoff, Jamie Bamber, James Callis, Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. Look for the new episodes in October.

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Retro-Hip Talk Show Man

There are those who still wax nostalgic about The Dick Cavett Show, which ran from ’69 to ’72 on ABC, only to return twice for shorter periods later on. Cavett’s thought-provoking urbanity hasn’t been duplicated by a talk show host since. But he never attracted a wide audience. Of course, that was before cable channels aimed at more narrowly focused audiences gained momentum. Now, Turner Classic Movies gives Cavett a new lease on TV life with a new Dick Cavett Show special featuring Mel Brooks, followed by some archival treats — chats with Bette Davis, Alfred Hitchcock and other Hollywood greats. Debuts in September.

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Hallmark’s Alien Invasion

So your loathsome sister-in-law’s coming for the weekend and you can’t get out of Dodge. Things could be worse. She could be the kind of evil creature devastating humankind in Hallmark Channel’s Final Days of Planet Earth. This movie sounds like it’s got all the camp of a classic alien invasion movie, but with some state-of-the art special effects. Along for the ride is one of the classiest actors out there, Campbell Scott (son of George C.) along with ever-stunning Daryl Hannah (Kill Bill) — who performed before she decided to spend a few weeks in that tree. Debuts in October.

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Striking Out in a Game Called Love

TBS is out to tickle some funny bones with a new sitcom called My Boys that’s in many ways the exact opposite of its Sex and the City staple. There’s a girl at the center of this show, but she’s a 20-something tomboy — a sports writer with a masculine, no-nonsense manner played by Jordana Spiro (JAG, Must Love Dogs). In short, she makes a great gal pal, but when it comes to dating, she can really freak a guy out. As she tries to find romance, her sole female friend tries to give her a little advice. Premieres in November.